Anthony Ricardi‘s review of:
Michael Bay has done it again… pummeled this critic into such a stupor that he just can’t summon up the will to write yet another negative summer movie review. It’s just too hot out. Thusly…
Anthony’s Do-it-yourself Summer Cybertronic Cinema Review
(Choose one of the enclosed options… just for fun! A whole heck of a lot more fun that this lousy movie, that’s for sure!)
(In a pinch, substitute one of these tried and true critic’s fallbacks: mise-en-scene/cinema verite/self-referential/auteur/fetishism/cretinous.)
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” or as it is also known (“Transformers 2″/”Prime Directive”/”Toy Story 2″/”Bay Watch”/”Blow- Up”/”Mecha Lecha hi, mecha hiney ho!”), is the latest (mega-movie/gargantuan ego trip/fever dream/cashed paycheck/opus/eye-gouge) from (director/fuehrer/girlie-man/hack/sadist/TNT-riffic!) Michael Bay. The (intricate/incomprehensible/insipid/inconsequential/inept/incapacitating) plot, set two years after the first film in the series, once again centers on teenager Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf/Boeuf Bourguignon/Beef Manslab/Shia-Sunni/Shia StoopstoConquer/Ono Shia-di-n’t!), who is all set to attend the college of his choice, (East College/Princeton/NYU/The University of Central Florida/Google U./Hamburger University).
Sam maintains his relationships with both his girlfriend, the (beautiful/bionic/computer-generated/inflatable/tanned, rested and ready/mutant) Mikaela (Megan Fox/Megan Mecrazy/Morgan Freeman/Megatron/MeganMyselfandI/Megan LegasHigh-Megan’sHineyHo!), and his extraordinary best pal, the protective Autobot (Bumblebee/Beebopaloola/Bustamove/Bummertron/Beeallyacanbee/Steve).
Sam and Mikaela, after finding a shard of the previously destroyed ultra-power source, the (All Spark/ All Skate/ All Access/ All Singin’/ All Dancin’/ Al Bundy) are tracked by those insidious bad-bots, the Decepticons, who seek to revive their leader (Megatron/Megan Fox/Megamorph/Megantua/Murgatroid/Mr. Magoo).
The Autobots, are lead by the heroic (Optimus Prime/Optical Illusion/Onstar/Optimisticon/Optimus Prime Rib/Oprah) and include the mechanical champions (Ironhide, Ironside/Michael Ironside/Rawhide/Ironicon/Iron Man) and (Ratchet/Nurse Ratched/Ratatouille/Ratched Excess/Rat Fink/Bay Ratch). Problematically, the Autobots also have among their number “The Twins” (Skids and Mudflap, Step and Fetchit, Shuck and Jive, Car-Car Binks, Laverne and Shirley, Amos and Andy), who are (mortifying/embarrassing/astonishing/appalling/mind-blowing/jaw-dropping) idiotic street Ebonics-spouting stereotypes, one with a gold tooth! Terrible… especially in a movie loads of kids are going to see.
The Deceptions, evil though they are, turn out to be a bit more PC than the paragons, although the tiny infiltrator-bot(Wheelie/Ferrari/WhaddaULookinatic/Paisanatronic/Fredo/Botta-Bot) does sound rather like he could have played a supporting role in The Sopranos. The Decepticon cadre are deadly indeed, the most massive, relentless and formidable of them being (Devastator/Divastator/Deal-or-no-dealastator/Simon Cowell/Destructoramadingdong/Fluffy), who is an amalgam of seven other Transformers. The Fallen of the title is an ancient proto-Transformer who appears to lead the Decepticons, and destroy(The Sun/the Audience’s will to live/Untold hours of digital artist’s lives/Optimus Prime’s swell day/What’s left of reviewers’ good will after they’ve seen The Twins/IMAX).
There is an elite military force,(NEST/CREST/BEST BUY/SHIELD/F TROOP/A TEAM) aiding Sam and the Autobots, lots and lots of trademarked Michael Bay mayhem and (explosions/pyrotechnics/building collapses/carnage/firefights/sing-a-longs). In fact, there is more mindless Bay-ness here than ever before, as if he is parodying himself by upping the (ante/number of lingering Megan Fox close-ups/body count/Shia LaBeouf confused looks/shiny thingies/infantile “jokes”) to a ridiculous degree.
In other words, the battering you will receive after two and a half hours(!) of thunderous sounds, music, headache-inducing visuals and a generally mindless and often offensive script will Transform your brain to (Megamush/guacamole/Optimus Slime/melting Bumblebee wax/machine oil/that of Megan Fox).
In other words, this bloated, destructive mondo-Transformer of a flick will rake in (its 200 million dollar budget/the gross national product of the EU/Megan Fox’s yearly lip gloss outlay/Obama’s date night fund/the entire US auto industry’s projected profits for the next decade/the pre-production costs for the next Transformers movie… already spent) in about three days.
Bottom Line: An (adolescent/aggravating/automated/animated/automotive/aargh!!!) series of assaults on the eye and ear, guaranteed to agonize.
Critic’s Rating: F (for Fallen/Frenetic/Faulty/Forgettable/Futile/Foom!!!)
