Thomas Bess’ review of:

Directed By: Rob Zombie

Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, Sheri Moon Zombie, Danielle Harris, Malcolm McDowell, Brea Grant

Run Time: 101 frenetic, terribly Halloween theme-less minutes.

This is a hard review for me to write. Not because I’m overcome with giddy joy, burdened with a heavy heart or even in the throes of a homicidal rage. In a way, any one of those states would make the writing process easier because I’d have some sort of base to start from. As it is, I know I’ve seen a movie with Michael Myers and I know there were things I liked and disliked about it, but that’s about it. Tell ya what I’m going to do, I’m gonna pause for just a second… ahhhh, there we go. Got Carpenter’s version of the theme running on a loop, that should help center my thoughts, at least to the point where I can produce something cogent enough to be labeled a ‘review’.

Since I’m still feeling a little muddled, let’s start with a brief overview of the plot. For those who may be wondering, this is not a direct remake of the original Halloween sequel from 1981, though Zombie does pay an excellent homage to the hospital setting of that flick in the opening sequence. Our story picks up a little less than a year after the events of the first film — Laurie Strode (Taylor-Compton) is now living with Sheriff Brackett and his daughter Annie (Dourif and Harris respectively) both survivors of Myers’ original rampage. Dr. Loomis (McDowell) has written another book, this one containing some pretty heavy bombshells regarding the connection between Laurie and Michael and he’s out stumping for that, not to mention generally making an ass of himself. As the titular holiday approaches, everyone’s favorite Shape (Mane) comes out of hiding at the behest of voices in his head and as you’ve probably guessed, they don’t want him making popcorn balls or bobbing for apples. Yes folks, it’s All Hallows Eve in Haddonfield again and there’s a whole lotta stabbin’ goin’ on.

So what’s good? Well, the cast for the most part is quite enjoyable. Compton’s take on Laurie Strode, while not nearly as iconic as Jaime Lee Curtis’ performance is quite believable considering the whole ration of shit dumped on her during the course of both films. Malcolm McDowell does some scene chewing as Loomis, which is fine, though the changes made to the good Doctor’s character are so drastic as to almost render him unrecognizable (More on that a little later). Mane’s a roaring engine of destruction as Michael, which is certain to divide folks among those who liked the creepy phantom-like quality of the original incarnation and those who always wanted Myers to be more like Jason Vorhees, i.e., no lame ass sneaking around, just straightforward, bull in a china shop carnage. Highlight for me had to be Dourif and Harris as the Brackett’s. Watching the Sheriff and his daughter trying to cope with the aftermath of last year’s massacre and keep their family together provides some surprising moments of, dare I say, compassion in a film that is otherwise utterly ruthless. Oh and for those of you buying tickets to see the claret spilled, you’re in luck. Myers is at his brutal best here — Mikey’s philosophy seems to be, “Why stab them once when I can stab them eleven times?” There’s also axing, head stomping, strangulation and probably a few more methods of dying I’ve forgotten. Point is, if you’re there for all things sharp, jagged and serrated, you will not be disappointed.

So what’s not good? First off, Loomis is a straight-up dick in this movie. No clue why, maybe Zombie wanted to put more focus on Laurie or the Sheriff as the hero of the story, but whatever the motivations, gone is the obsessed but caring psychologist of the original series. This Loomis is a selfish, pompous, whining asshole and when he gets drawn back into the final showdown in the closing act, I doubt there’ll be a single person in the theater hoping he gets out alive. Second, the actual ‘Halloween theme’ doesn’t even show up in this flick. It does play over the closing credits for maybe a minute, but that’s about it. Pardon my language, but FUCK THAT SHIT. Rob, I know you want to put your own ‘stamp’ on this franchise, but omitting the theme doesn’t come off as anything more than a ‘screw you’ to the fan-base. Finally, and this is totally subjective, but to me, this didn’t feel like a Halloween film. Sure, it had the characters, it had the same basic premise, but there’s too much Friday the 13th (don’t even get me started on the ghost of Mommy Myers and her white pony), too much pointless raunchiness and too many layers of neon paint and black light scuzz thrown over everything to really make it feel like it belongs.

Should you see it? Man, that’s a tough call. I don’t want to warn anyone away from anything, but there’s definitely some stuff in the mix that’s not going to go over well with folks. If you’re on the fence, ask yourself this. Did you like what Zombie did with the first installment or (for whatever ungodly reason) not like the 1978 version? If the answer is yes, then by all means, go check this one out. But if you thought John Carpenter got it right thirty years ago, do yourself a favor and just watch the original two back to back. It’ll save you ten bucks and a lot of eye rolling.

Til next time, always remember that death has come to your little town AND that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess has sideburns that are so big they might be considered a beard shaving accident from afar. He blames his current mental state on Stephen King, Mike Nelson, Seth McFarlane and Vince McMahon but bears them no ill will. He passes his time writing movie reviews, but will flee the interwebs forever as soon as Allison Mack starts returning his calls.