A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Stewart Hendler
Starring: Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, Jaime Chung, Margo Harshman, Audrina Patridge, Julian Morris
Run Time: 101 boozing, partying minutes riddled with poor decisions.
One of the easiest ways to kick over the hornets nest that is the internet horror community these days is to start talking remakes. Be they good, bad or indifferent, everyone’s got opinions on them and with Hollywood apparently deciding that any flick made between 1970 and 1989 as fair game, we aren’t likely to see an end to the phenomena any time soon. Personally I’d rather see a completely original story when I wander over to the multiplex, but if you are going to remake something, you might as well take a concept that was done poorly the first time and see what can be to improve upon it. Such is the case of Sorority Row, the new incarnation of 1983’s The House On Sorority Row, a movie I know I saw, but can recall very little of except to say that it took some of the best concepts from Black Christmas and Halloween and still managed to combine them in a way that was completely forgettable. How does this new version fare? Well I doubt it’s going to make anyone’s “Best Horror of 09″ lists at the end of the year, but if you’re looking for mindless dead teenager driven fun, you could do a lot worse.
Plot’s as simple as they come. Beginning of senior year and a group of largely unlikable sorority sisters pull a prank on some poor dope, making him think the comely lass he’s making out with has gone into a seizure and died. In the spirit of taking things way the hell too far, they all drive their “dead” friend up to a local abandoned mine shaft (aside, I never thought to consult sorority girls on the locations of nearby mineshafts. I’ll have to keep this knowledge in mind for future reference) so they can properly dispose of her body. While everyone is looking for “rocks to dismember her body” (really?) the poor idiot who’s not in on the gag grabs the nearest handy tire iron and jams it in her chest. Faster than you can say, “I know what you did last kegger” the sisters dump her body down the shaft and pledge to keep quiet about it. Cut to the end of the year and everyone’s happy about graduating until those involved start receiving threatening texts (another aside, a threatening text is NOWHERE near as effective as a threatening phone call. I imagine When a Stranger Calls or Scream would’ve sucked ass if the killer had communicated via texting). Shortly thereafter, someone who looks like the villain from Urban Legend is killing folks off with a tire iron that’s had a knife, harpoon and maybe a grappling hook spot welded to it.
What’s good? Well, ok, maybe “good” is not the right word, let’s go with “entertaining”. First up is the gore. While the over-designed atomic tire iron-of-death is responsible for most of the carnage, the two most cringe worthy deaths involve other weapons, namely a wine bottle and a flare gun. Alas, despite the R rating, the camera often cuts away from the results of said violence before the audience can actually take it all in, leaving me to hope that there’ll be an unrated cut offered when it hits DVD somewhere down the line. Casting-wise, no one here is going to make the Survivor Girl Hall of Fame, but Briana Evigan and Rumer Willis do pretty well, especially considering that they aren’t asked to do much more than stand around looking pretty or pensive. Leah Pipes is the resident alpha-bitch of the group and she plays the part with such cartoonishly evil relish that you want to see her die in the most horrific way possible. Also, while there’s never any reason given for it, Margo Harshman’s character is named “Chugs” and it makes me laugh, so I’m putting it in the plus column.
What’s not good? No two ways around it, Sorority Row is a stupid movie populated by stupid people doing stupid things, even for a slasher flick. At no point does anyone seriously consider calling the police, even when the hooded maniac starts laying out the details of what terrible things he or she is going to do. And if that wasn’t bad enough, all the girls are basically bullied into following the orders from Pipes’ ice queen to the extent that they’ll all hang out at this monstrously crowded party, thereby putting MORE innocent lives at risk just so they don’t look “suspicious” in the eyes of their fellow sisters (I don’t know what she was worried about, if the rest of them are as brain dead as this bunch, they probably could have kept the body tucked in a linen closet all semester and no one would’ve been the wiser). Perhaps most disappointing is the ultimate reveal of the killer’s identity and motivations. Remember when the villain in a film was motivated by noble concepts like revenge, hatred or just plain ol’ batshit craziness? I miss those days.
Should you take a trip down Sorority Row? If you just want to see vacuous college stereotypes of both genders get knocked off at a brisk pace or if you need to terrify any teenage girls you might know, sure, get together some folks and check out a matinee. But if you’re looking for a college horror film that’s actually frightening, I’d suggest you stay in and settle down with a copy of the original Black Christmas.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess has sideburns that are so big they might be considered a beard shaving accident from afar. He blames his current mental state on Stephen King, Mike Nelson, Seth McFarlane and Vince McMahon but bears them no ill will. He passes his time writing movie reviews, but will flee the interwebs forever as soon as Allison Mack starts returning his calls.
