A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Scott Stewart
Starring: Paul Bettany, Adrianne Palicki, Lucas Black, Dennis Quaid, Charles Dutton, Tyrese Gibson, Kevin Durand, Kate Walsh, Willa Holland
Run Time: 100 minutes and as many plot holes
Lets just get this right out in the open shall we? If you’re one of those folks who believes a movie needs to be “good” (i.e. well thought out, possessing some sort of socially redeeming quality or perhaps just a certain level of cogency) in order to be worth your time, feel free to click BACK on your browser now because Legion is most definitely not a good movie. It is in fact, an early front runner to be one of the worst movies of 2010 and those of you with no patience for such things will simply growl “It sucks” then move on to whatever else needs carping about and no one could really blame you. Here’s the thing though. Sure this movie sucks like a Hoover, BUT if you’re up for a matinee viewing with like-minded friends, it’s not entirely without entertainment value even if you do leave the theater with a crippling case of repetitive motion syndrome caused by all the eye rolling.
The plot (such as it is) goes a little something like this: humanity has gotten on God’s last nerve and the man upstairs has had enough. No gentle flood this time, he dispatches a whole celestial army to start wiping out the lot of us and it would have gone perfectly if Michael (Bettany) hadn’t decided to go against orders and join up with a ragtag band of survivors out in the desert at a diner that just happens to be called Paradise Falls. (See, you’re rolling your eyes already. Be prepared for a lot more). Turns out that the sole waitress of this diner, an alternately pleasant and petulant lass by the name of Charlie (Palicki) is pregnant and her unborn son could grow up to be the potential savior of mankind. So of course all the other angels want the kid dead and they attempt to make him so by possessing people so they can…stand outside and look ominous. Ok, so there’s a little more to it than that, but after a few failed attempts, the possessed folks just sort of hang around waiting until Gabriel (Durand) shows up and gets them off their lazy asses. It all ends with some wicked angel on angel action, which, while good, doesn’t even sort of balance out all the silliness that came before.
So what’s good? Paul Bettany’s turn as Michael has gotta get the first nod. While the lines he’s forced to utter are by and large atrocious, he delivers them with intensity and he never once comes across like he’s just phoning it in — the material may be goofier than anything in recent memory, but he doesn’t let on like he knows it. And of course anything said with a British accent immediately sounds more plausible. The other members of the cast do as best they can — Dennis Quaid has absolutely buried the needle on the Crotchety Old Man Meter which always makes me laugh, Lucas Black has a sort of half assed Kyle Reese thing going and actually makes you want to root for him a few times, while Kate Walsh is a surprisingly effective bitch and Palicki’s heroine is refreshingly unapologetic about wanting to be rid of the baby, at least before she finds out that it might save the world. Everyone else is just sort of there, though Charles Dutton gets points for having a hook hand for whatever reason and like Bettany and Quaid, he plays the material with as much grace as possible. And while there wasn’t nearly enough “Biblical Plague” sort of vengeance for my tastes, the special effects we do get are pretty effective — everyone’s seen the creepy old lady on the ceiling and the stretchy ice cream man by now but we’re also gifted with what I can only describe as a human boil bomb and angelic weaponry that inflicts some decidedly evil wounds.
So what’s not good? I hate to rag on a script because I’m well aware that all sorts of meddlers can get their hands on a story before it reaches the filming stage but good grief. There are some things in Legion that’ll just make your head spin and not in the iconic Linda Blair way. First and foremost, this might seem like a middling detail to some, but who in their right mind names their (non-angelic) lead “Jeep”? As far as I could tell it wasn’t short for anything, nor did any of the other characters once pause and go, “So, is Jeep your real name or…” No, this movie just expects us to believe that there are parents out there who hate their children so much that they’d name them after an off road vehicle. (All that said, if at some point during the movie we’d found out his last name was ‘Wrangler’ or ‘Grand Cherokee’ all would have been forgiven in an instant) And getting to the stuff that actually matters to the progression of the story: We’re shown a veritable army of angels early on and it looks like they’re all sporting things good for smiting, so if God’s got, forgive me, these legions, at his disposal, why not send them in the flesh as opposed to having them take over the bodies of old ladies, ice cream truck drivers and other individuals not noted for their ass kicking abilities? Ok, so Michael has a line about the weak willed being the easiest to possess, but c’mon, there has got to be at least ONE weak willed dude out there with access to nuclear launch codes or something equally devastating. The ending also gets one helluva big “HUH?” After all’s conclusion the angels are still flying around and mowing people down? Maybe I’m interpreting it wrong, but it sure seemed like the world was still in a pretty bad place when the credits rolled leaving the ending to not make any sense.
Should you see it? Well, here’s the thing — if you’re into having fun with bad movies and have some friends who enjoy the same, round them up and hit the theater with your best MST quips ready then fire away. (While still being respectful of those around you of course. There is a chance, a SLIM one, but still there, that they might be enjoying the flick on something other than an ironic level). If on the other hand you’re looking for one of those “good” movies I mentioned up near the top, stay far, far away from Legion, otherwise you’ll end up hating yourself or writing angry letters to me and I don’t want either of those things to happen.
Finally, it’s been brought to my attention that I should actually have some sort of ‘_ out of _’ system for those of you who hate subjectivity, so I’m gonna give it my best shot. Just know right now that the units of measure and just how many of them are on the scale will change depending on what I’ve just watched. So for Legion, I grant it two plagues out of a possible seven, those two being flies and boils in case anyone was wondering.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess has sideburns that are so big they might be considered a beard shaving accident from afar. He blames his current mental state on Stephen King, Mike Nelson, Seth McFarlane and Vince McMahon but bears them no ill will. He passes his time writing movie reviews, but will flee the interwebs forever as soon as Allison Mack starts returning his calls.
