A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Gabriel Bologna
Starring: Danielle Harris, Robert Patrick, James Duval, Electra and Elise Avellan, Mircea Monroe, Sean Lawlor, Nick Mennell, Walker Howard, M.D. Walton
Run Time: Not sure. More than an hour, less than all the time you’ll spend scratching your head or giggling.
While going through the pre-writing document creation process, it suddenly occurred to me that I’d been in the employ of the Atomik Brain Canisters for almost a year now and wouldn’t ya know it, this just so happens to be my fiftieth review. (Cue noisemakers and confetti falling from the ceiling. No clowns though, given the genres I like to call home, clowns only lead to trouble). Many thanks to those shadowy forces behind the scenes for tolerating my chronic wonkiness and of course those who keep reading in spite of my many affronts to grammar, pop culture, logic and the human condition in general. Anyhoo, the flick on the docket today is a cheesy slice of indy horror gold that managed to secure itself a small nationwide roll out. Just so we’re clear from the outset, The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond is not a movie you should see by yourself. Not because it’s especially scary, because it’s not, but exposing yourself to the story’s goofiness is much less likely to lead to crippling bouts of self-loathing if you’ve got a few friends along to lend a hand mustering a homemade MST3K style defense. Trust me when I say The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond will offer up plenty of ammunition.
The plot (as much as I can discern anyway) goes a little something like this. It’s Turkey in 1927 and some Howard Carter types have found the crypt of…someone. And in it they find…something. Something that will open a gateway between…look, it’s all very ominous and curse of the mummy’s tomb. Long story short, whatever they find provides instruction for building a tool that creates a gateway between our world and some other less pleasant place and said tool takes the form of an evil looking board game. Cut to some small island off the coast of Maine (aside, I have no idea how we got from Turkey to Maine, the movie didn’t seem to think it was important) and the dopes who built the game all end up dead, with the last one to die noting he’s hidden the game someplace no one will ever find it. Flash forward to the present and a large group of friends (basically everyone in the cast list, except for Robert Patrick) head to the same island for a vacation of undetermined nature that comes to a crashing halt when they stumble across the aforementioned board game and decide to give it a whirl. Not long thereafter things get awkward and then violent as the game takes people over, turning them into black eyed psychopaths who’re more than happy to kill anyone and anything in their path.
What’s good? In a big cast that is by and large forgettable, Danielle Harris and Robert Patrick manage to make the experience more bearable, with the former being the least shrill and disagreeable of the friends and the latter playing the creepy “maybe he’s a killer, maybe he’s just a harmless crank” stereotype to perfection. On the gore and carnage end of things, we’re treated pretty well as there’s multiple chainsawings, a gun blast to the face, strangulation via fishing line, breast implants removed with a carving knife and probably a few other things that the protective part of my mind has glossed over for reasons of mental health. And while he/it doesn’t actually do anything else than stand around and look menacing for the most part, there’s a creepy satyr/Pan creature with a pretty neat design, just a shame that he didn’t get to put a cloven foot through an obnoxious twenty-something’s skull. Oh and the design of the game itself (which is never given a name, far as I know. Personally, I’d suggest Yahtzeevil or Pan-demonium) is really cool, even if the rules make absolutely no sense. If I managed to obtain a copy for myself, I’d probably just borrow the rules for Candy Land, with the penalty for losing being that you had to watch The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond all by yourself.
Sorry, did that come off as unnecessarily snarky? I apologize, but the fact is, for every good thing about this flick, there are three or four things that’ll have you sighing heavily or rolling your eyes. First and foremost, none of these people are really likable. I mean it, not a one. Now, I found myself rooting for Harris’ character because I think she’s awesome, but as I said above she’s only the least shrill and disagreeable of the friends, which is to say, she has plenty moments of out and out obnoxiousness. Some might argue that this is a refreshing change of pace as it makes it harder to guess who might survive and who ends up as meat and in a way that’s true, but I still think any movie where you end up actively rooting for the characters to die has made a pretty big mistake. In the same vein, this has to be the most suggestible group of friends in the history of horror cinema. With nothing more than the prompting from a little bit of cardboard, they start discussing deeply personal matters, all of it potentially painful and damaging to themselves or others in the group. Seriously, there’s not even an attempt to start with smaller issues or little white lies, they go right into the absolute worst thing they’ve ever done or felt and even more astounding, not one of them ever thinks to stop playing the game. They just keep rolling dice and looking at cards until all hell breaks loose. There’s also the matter of the end. Note to filmmakers, someone doing something terrible under the influence of demonic possession isn’t really all that scary, they weren’t themselves, big deal. Someone doing something terrible of their own free will is much more disturbing. Just sayin’.
But should you see it? That is a tough call. For most of you, the answer is going to be a flat out no. The vagueness of important plot points and the dislikable nature of the characters is going to be more than enough to keep the average viewer away. BUT for those of you with a certain love for horror cheese (not to mention like-minded friends) and enough beer to take the worst of the edge off, it’s worth a shot. Just know that you don’t so much watch The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond, as you do experience them, and they will leave you changed in some profound, fundamental way. Swim at your own risk.
In a nod to Monopoly, if Mediterranean Avenue is awful and Boardwalk is flawless, I’d rate this movie as Connecticut Avenue or Saint Charles Place at best.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.
