A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Joe Carnahan
Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson, Sharlto Copley, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson
Run Time: 117 explosion free minutes…just kidding, something’s always exploding.
First and foremost I think it should be known that the original run of The A-Team was just a little before my time. Oh sure, I remember watching the occasional rerun and everybody knew Mr. T but aside from that, my only memories of the small screen incarnation involved lots of shootouts where no one was ever seriously injured and getaway cars flipping over to skid wildly out of control before whoever inside emerged, again, seemingly none the worse for wear. So when word got out about a big budget summer revival, I can’t say I was whooping for joy, but I wasn’t spitting nails either. To be quite honest, I was expecting a big dumb action movie chock full of one-liners, implausibly wacky chases / escapes and just enough story to hold the whole thing together. Lo and behold, that’s exactly what I got. Suffice to say, this flick isn’t for someone who spends their free time annotating the works of Dickens, but for those of you in search of a good reason to scarf popcorn and watch red shirt bad guys mowed down by the dozen, well, you’re in the right place.
The Plot
Here’s the plot (as much of it as I could discern anyway) Hannibal (Neeson) and his pal Faceman (Cooper) are two career military types who apparently follow orders only when absolutely necessary. Chance encounters unite them with B.A. Baracus (Jackson) and Murdoch (Copley – AWESOME) and soon this Alpha Unit or “A-Team” is busting the heads of various heavies all over the globe. Jump ahead to eight years later, Hannibal and his crew are just about to leave Iraq when word comes in that some terrorist wonks are coming to town with a set of engraving plates that’d allow them to run off all the money they’d ever need to fund who knows what. Suffice to say, the A-Team isn’t gonna just sit idly buy and let that shit happen, so they construct and carry out a plan, all against the wishes of senior management, including Face’s ex-girlfriend Lt. Sosa (Biel, sporting FAR too many layers of clothing). The plan comes together nicely, then things go to hell and our heroes find themselves court-martialed, stripped of rank and thrown in separate military prisons. All seems lost until a mysterious CIA spook named Lynch (Nite Owl) approaches Hannibal with the offer to get him out so he can rescue his team, find the stolen plates and clear their names, not necessarily in that order. Needless to say our cigar-smoking sage takes the deal and not long thereafter they’re hot on the trail of…well, you’re never really quite sure. There are crooked private security goons, a tin-pot dictator or two and of course the requisite government rat, all of whom will be dispatched by the time credits roll.
The Good
What’s good? Well, in a movie called The A-Team, the members of said unit should all do a damned fine job and that’s the case here, for the most part. Neeson isn’t nearly the badass that he was in Taken, but he’s perfectly believable as Hannibal. If you see this movie and don’t find yourself quipping “I love it when a plan comes together” when you manage to finish the roast and mashed potatoes at the same time, there’s something terribly wrong with you. Cooper does a similarly fine job with Face, switching between pretty boy, wise guy and dangerously competent warrior as the situation may call for it. Not sure if he’d have the menace to pull off an action role minus the comedy, but given what’s seen here, I wouldn’t mind watching him try. As good as those two are, Sharlto Copley’s turn as Murdoch stole the show, at least for me. Yes, some of the “crazy” things the character does are eye rollingly laughable, but the dude’s obviously having so much fun with the part it’s hard not to cackle right along with him. Baracus, well… lemme say this, the problems I had with him had nothing to do with Jackson’s performance (lest he happen to read this and beat me to death with my own severed arm) but with how the script handled him (more on that later). On the supporting side, Biel and Wilson do a solid job with their respective parts, though I thought they could’ve benefited from kicking up the zeal a bit. I mean, if the four leads are human cartoons, there’s no reason they shouldn’t be surrounded by more. With regards to action, the sequences are suitably frenetic (the opening helicopter chase comes to mind as does the assault on a convoy in Baghdad) but they do suffer from rapid fire editing—just a few more seconds throughout would’ve made all the collateral damage that much clearer.
The Not So Good
What’s bad? As mentioned above, there are some questionable choices made in regard to the human tank that is B.A. Baracus. Now, I get the whole fear of flying angle–that’s from the series–but having him dabble in pacifism? That’s just wrong. I’d wager it was done more for the sake of comedy than any real character development, but that doesn’t make it any less irritating. C’mon guys, you went out of your way to get Rampage Jackson for the role, the man’s a legit monster, there’s not a damn thing wrong with letting him take out wave after wave of fools. Yes, it’s PG-13 so he can’t just slaughter everyone in his path, but he’s the team’s muscle, let him be the muscle. Also, there’s a scene early on where the iconic van from the series is crushed and after a moment of lamenting, it’s never mentioned again. I may not be a huge fan of the source material (and it stands to reason that these guys couldn’t go globe hopping in a GMC) but it strikes me as a rather unnecessary up yours to the original fan base. And if you’ll allow me a brief moment of male chauvinism, if you’re going to cast Jessica Biel in your action movie, put her in the action for frak’s sake. Even more unforgivable, there’s not a single villainous second in command lass for her to tangle with? Sound the bullshit alarm. I refuse to believe they couldn’t have cast an Amanda Righetti or an Erica Durance to give Miz Biel a suitable adversary to trade quips and kung-fu with.
Should You See It?
Should you see it? Lemme put it this way, if you liked what you saw in the trailer, that’s exactly the movie you’re getting once the lights go down, so let that be your guide. There are sure to be plenty out there who condemn this as celluloid cheese of the highly processed, bright orange variety and while they’re not wrong exactly, they do tend to forget that the stuff tastes pretty good, presuming of course you don’t gorge on it all the time. While I doubt it will have the lasting pop culture impact of the television series, those who can take it for what it is will enjoy The A-Team and those who can’t, well, I pity the fools.
The Verdict
So in the end, if an afro is awful (for the purpose of this scale anyway, otherwise they’re just fine) and a mohawk is perfect, then The A-Team is two lightning bolts and the Nike “Swoosh” shaved into the back of your head.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.
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