A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Jimmy Hayward
Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox. John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender, Aidan Quinn
Run Time: 80 minutes packed to the gills with meh.
My first exposure to scar-faced bounty hunter and all around badass Jonah Hex happened sometime in the mid nineties when he was the focus of an episode of Batman – The Animated Series (For the record: Best. Cartoon. Ever.) where he tangled with Ra’s al Ghul and his son in the late nineteenth century. In this episode, Ra’s is building a sort of zeppelin-ish war machine with the intent of halting America’s westward expansion and he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for the fact that Hex just happened to be in town looking to collect a bounty of Ghul’s psychopathic offspring. Now obviously this was an afternoon cartoon, so they had maybe twenty-three minutes to work with, not to mention standards & practices types to make sure the violence wouldn’t go beyond PG levels. The sad part is, this one episode is a much better handling of Jonah and his world than the new big budget film bearing the same name. Which is not to say that it’s the gawdawful wreck that some would have you believe but that‘s probably the best thing I can say about it. The worst thing about Jonah Hex is that you can occasionally see flashes of an excellent story trying to shine through and these glimpses make the overall mediocrity that much more aggravating.
The Plot
Plot is as follows: Jonah Hex (Brolin) fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War and for reasons that are never quite fully explained, ended up killing his best friend and fellow soldier, Jeb Turnbull. Alas, Jeb’s father just happens to be burgeoning domestic terrorist and all around murderous crazy Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) who pays Hex back by slaughtering his family and branding the poor dope’s face. Jonah’s rescued by a local Indian tribe and apparently because he died for a minute or two, now he can talk to dead people. Flash forward several years — Hex is now making his living as a bounty hunter and generally ignoring the rest of the world as America approaches its centennial. Out to spoil the fun is the elder Turnbull who’s managed to steal and assemble all the parts of a “Nation Killer” weapon, one originally designed by Eli Whitney of all people. President Grant (Quinn) who seemingly has no faith in the U.S. army, brings Hex in to stop Turnbull’s plans and save the fledging Union from destruction. Along the way there’s plenty of explosions, gunfights, slashings and Megan Fox in a corset that probably took several years off her life. It all sounds very exciting and dammit, it should’ve been, but it’s not and it makes me sad.
The Good
So what’s good? Josh Brolin does a fine job as Jonah, coming off as equally rugged, weary, vengeful and cunning. He carries the physicality off nicely as well, not just when Hex is busting heads and blowing away goons, but in those few quiet moments when the weight of the world comes pressing down. The other highlights casting-wise all come from supporting characters who could’ve used more screen time. Michael Fassbender as a crazy knife wielding Irish thug, Lance Reddick as a store owner who doubles as Hex’s armorer and Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Jeb Turnbull who’s one scene with Hex (in an eerie, moonlit cemetery) is easily the best sequence in the movie. The action is pretty solid overall with the camera and editing being steady enough for you to see what’s going on. Though the downside is that the PG-13 rating ensures that a lot of bullets will fly and bodies will be riddled but you’ll never see too much of the red stuff. And while it’s not so much good as it is unintentionally hilarious, the design and firing sequence of the Nation Killer weapon should earn a few good laughs. Really, if you can watch it in action and not call out, “Ready the bowling ball launcher!” and “Prepare to detonate oversized novelty bath beads!” there’s something terribly wrong with how you see the world.
The Not So Good
And what’s not good? Man, I hate to say anything bad about John Malkovich because he’s one of my favorite actors, but the dude just didn’t look happy to be there and as such he comes across more listless and depressed than really evil. Now, he’s always struck me as one of those guys who could read the phonebook and make it sound like a coded message for Armageddon, so Turnbull is not entirely without menace, but a bit more energy would’ve been greatly appreciated. Megan Fox (playing thee most clothing-est wearing-est hooker in the history of film) is easy enough on the eyes here, but good grief, the Southern “accent” she’s sporting is nothing short of painful. Speaking of the south, as someone who’s spent most of his life in the area, it bugged the crap out of me to see this flick playing it so fast and loose with geography. Sure, they tell you where they are occasionally, but characters seem to zip all over the southeast in the blink of an eye and don’t even get me started on how it looks like the brothel where Megan Fox does her business is right off Main Street in Tombstone, Arizona. Yargh. Finally, there’s the make-up job on Hex’s trademark deformity. It’s handled well enough for what you’re shown, but it struck me as WAY too tame. When I think of Jonah Hex, he’s just a step below Two Face on the “Holy shit, what happened to you?” scale and the big screen incarnation looks like he could be fixed up nicely by a halfway competent doctor.
Should You See It?
Should you see it? While I’m loathe to warn anyone away from a film because there’s no telling what chord it might strike with different, folks, but if you DO decide to check out Jonah Hex, just keep your expectations in the basement and have loads of good zingers ready, I have no doubt you’ll be able to unload them all.
The Verdict
In the spirit of Eli Whitney’s Nation Killer weapon. I’d say Jonah Hex is two oversized novelty bath beads out of five.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.
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