A Thomas Bess review of:
Directed By: Patrick Lussier
Starring: Nic Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse, Nic Cage’s hair.
Running Time: 104 minutes chock full of tawdry, violent goodness.
Friends, I’m going to be honest with you. (Sort of an odd way to start, I’m honest with you all the time, but for some reason I feel the need to point it out tonight). The month of February was not kind to me or my sideburns. Aside from a few isolated moments of goodness it was filled with sadness and pain. My job is trying to kill me, Lex Luthor hates me, my BluRay Player was taken hostage by Sony, my car seems to have developed an evil sentience and to cap it all off, the fate of Human Target is uncertain at best. BUT, even in the darkest of times, there is hope. From the depth of that cold, bleak darkness came a light. A radiant, shining beacon carried by two gentlemen who came to the rescue two years ago with My Bloody Valentine 3D. Now director Patrick Lussier and writer Todd Farmer have journeyed forth to present us with the gift that is Drive Angry 3D, a film that revels in the violent, the tawdry, the semi-coherent and the unrepentantly cheesy. Is it a GOOD movie? Lord no, not in the slightest. But it is a good bad movie and more important (at least from where I’m standing) it’s a fun movie. And after these last four weeks, the fun was definitely appreciated.
The Plot
For those of you who didn’t pick up on the subtle intricacies of plotting laid out in the previews, the story goes a little something like this. John Milton (if the reference escapes you, put this down and head to an Encyclopedia right now. And not an on-line version either, that’s cheating) has somehow broken his way out of Hell and is on a quest to rescue his orphaned granddaughter from a Satanic Cult with plans to sacrifice her under the next full moon. Aiding him in this quest is Piper (Heard) a rough around the edges waitress who’s only real problem seems to be a poor taste in boyfriends. Together they cut a bloody swath through several states as they track down the leader of the cult, one Jonah King (Burke) a man who bears a disturbing resemblance to Elvis Presley in the right lighting. As if pursing this cult and eluding the local constabulary wasn’t difficult enough, our rubber-burning heroes are pursued by “The Accountant” (Fichtner) a supernatural creature who’s part bookkeeper, part insult comic and part T-1000. See, this fella’s in charge of making sure the damned stay in Hell and he doesn’t much care for escapees, no matter how noble their intentions. So, caught between Satanists, an unstoppable killing machine and a tragically underused Tom Atkins, Milton and Piper will have to save the day while employing the most aggressive automotive piloting techniques you’ve ever seen.
The Good
So what’s good? Though his performance here isn’t going to earn complete forgiveness for say, The Wicker Man, Nic Cage keeps his craziest tendencies in check so that when he delivers one of Milton’s numerous threats, he’s actually ready to carry through on them and not just snicker quietly. Amber Heard gets plenty of rough and tumble moments as well, most memorably a quick, emphatic beatdown delivered to some chick making time with her sleazebag fiancé and a more prolonged wrangle with several cultists in the back of an RV. But as solid as those two are, it’s William Fichtner’s turn as The Accountant that will make the greatest impression. Delivering his lines (and his carnage) in a twitchy deadpan, he’s the sort of character that needs his own spin-off like, yesterday. On the strictly visual side of things, the flick was shot in 3D so there’s none of the crappy post-conversion wonkiness running so rampant these days. As for the gore, when compared to the stuff in My Bloody Valentine 3D, the quantity is greater, but none of the gags are as memorable, save for scenes involving a broken baseball bat and a quarter thrown at insanely high speeds.
The Not So Good
What’s not so good? Skipping over the aforementioned criminal lack of Tom Atkins screen time, my biggest problem with this flick hinged on the evil cult. First off, for a ritual designed to bring around Hell on Earth, it seemed way too simple. I mean, the only thing necessary is a full moon, a baby and a big ceremonial knife? There wasn’t even any chanting or hoods or robes or anything. Which brings me to my second point: Aside from Burke’s character, these were the single most un-intimidating group of evildoers I’ve ever seen put to film. They made me think of the Children of the Corn grown up and turned into extras on Justified. Actually, they might have come off scarier if The Accountant had been even slightly less awesome. When the other threat is a wise-cracking unstoppable Hellspawn, it kinda robs mere humans of the power to scare. And speaking of The Accountant, it struck me as odd that he spent most of the running time chasing down Milton and Piper on foot, but right near the end he’s able to summon up an infernal piece of Detroit rolling iron with the snap of his fingers. If he’d done that in the first act, the movie could’ve turned into a 3D version of the Death Proof finale and that would’ve been all sorts of awesome.
Should You See It?
Should you see it? From the reactions I’ve been hearing on the interwebs, this seems to be a real love it or hate it type of experience. I fall into the former category and recommend it without reservation, assuming that you’ve caught a preview or two and liked what you saw. But if you saw said previews and thought “this looks really, really dumb,” you’re better off staying home because this flick is exactly what it looks like.
The Verdict
If happy walking is awful and enraged aviation is perfect, then Drive Angry 3D is well, angry driving. Not something you should do very often, but strangely satisfying for the duration.
Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.
Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.
