Season of the Witch is a standalone “Print on Demand” expansion for Mansions of Madness. The scenario comes complete with all of the objects, obstacles, lock cards and keeper actions required to play it, as well as the prologue and map setup. Though the expansion doesn’t introduce and new game mechanics, there are a few brand new lock and object cards, but we’ll get to those later.

As the Keeper (played in this week’s episode by my father) was seeding the cards, the rest of us chose our characters. There were four players total, leaving me to play two investigators (a four Investigator game seems to be a bit more balanced than three). Having recently bought Forbidden Alchemy I was keen on using the new guys so I went with Dexter Drake the Magician and Carolyn Fern the Psychologist. The other players went with their favorites, Ashcan Pete the Drifter and Gloria Goldberg the Author (honestly, I’m not sure where our group would be without that antiquated typewriter and Ashcan’s trusty sidekick Duke).

After everyone settled in (the card seeding can be so tedious) the Keeper reads us the story so far. We’re all big fans of the flavor elements of Mansions of Madness compared to Arkham Horror so everyone shuts up and leans in. The Keeper tells us all about Nola and how, after moving into the low-rent “Witch House” she began trying to bend time and space, believing the Witch House was the key. Our investigators all know it’s a bunch of bull, but we gladly enter the house at the behest of the nervous student, assuring him his fears are misplaced, that there’s nothing to worry about. We’re sure Nola is just fine.

All’s quiet throughout the house as the investigators spread out to explore. Gloria stays with Dexter going toward the bathroom, providing moral support in the way of skill points, while Ashcan travels deeper into the house. Carolyn makes her way to the work shed outside and, after picking a simple lock, has one more Knife than she started with. Dexter and Gloria make their way around the corner and come across Nola’s Journal, as well as a helpful Sedative in the bathroom cabinet. Meanwhile, Ashcan has just come across a Spectral Guard, one that tells him a password will be required to pass. Dexter and Gloria make their way back to Ashcan as Carolyn joins back up after her short but spooky detour in the shed. As Dexter thumbs through the journal, he begins to realize something may actually be happening. While he didn’t believe a word of it before, Nola’s writings are rather convincing. With the addition of a spirit guarding a room in the house, he begins to get that bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Finding the correct passage in Nola’s Journal, Dexter dispels the Spectral Guard, the only thing between him and the unearthly Alien Statue. As he picks it up, his consciousness slips from his body and travels to some other part of the Witch House. It’s here that he sees what must be a portal to another world, something he had read about briefly in the journal. Upon returning to his own body, he’s left holding the statue. It looks like any other carved lump of stone, but tingles him to his soul, a power unlike any other coursing through him.

Upon recounting his short out of body experience, they all realize the portal must be in the attic, the only place left to explore. Carolyn and Ashcan go in first and what they find causes them to reconsider everything they thought they knew about reality. A Shoggoth, formless, protoplasmic servant of the Great Old Ones, is waiting for them. There’s nothing left to do but open fire, Ashcan, with his new found shotgun and Carolyn with her trusty Walther Model 9. Though the mass of tar and eyes and tentacles almost fills the room entirely, Carolyn and Ashcan can barely get a few shots in before the abomination charges them. Gloria and Dexter hear the commotion: the gunfire and more importantly the inhuman screams of their companions and make their way up the stairs.

As Carolyn and Ashcan fire wildly, the abomination is unflinching in its advance. After only taking a couple of rounds, barely injured, the monster begins to engulf Ashcan. Thinking quickly, Ashcan shoves the shotgun as far into the mass as he can, smiles maniacally and pulls the trigger. This proves enough, though barely, and the monster is finally bested. Thick, acidic Ichor sprays in every direction, covering them both. A brief reprieve eases them slightly as they clean up, though they have no idea what lies in store beyond the portal.

Everyone regroups in the attic and Dexter again has his nose in the journal. The journal begins to glow a blinding, stinging green and all at once, the attic falls from under them. The team find themselves in another place, another realm entirely. Upon being ripped through the portal, Dexter’s consciousness escapes once again. He sees Nola lying on a stone slab surrounded by chanting, robed figures. A bleeding, Black Book sits atop a desecrated Altar. Everyone readies their wills and their weapons as the faint sounds of chanting echoes towards them.

There are three doors that lead from this otherworldly room, and again they split up. Despite what they’ve all just seen, they know that Nola doesn’t have much time. Carolyn decides to take the door to the right, up into the tower, Dexter and Gloria the door to the left. Ashcan, poor, bleeding Ashcan, bravely makes his way toward the chanting.

Though they proceed with caution, Dexter and Gloria are faced with no opposition. Through three doors they’ve gone, and three empty rooms they’ve found. Dexter’s feeling goes from bad to worse. As he passes through another door, an impossible silence wells up around him. He can barely hear Gloria’s screams over the sounds of infernal alien flutes. One moment he’s there, wherever there might actually be, and the next he simply isn’t. His existence is erased entirely, Dexter Drake the Magician is suddenly no more. At the same moment, in the realm of Earthly beings, Michael McGlen the Gangster seeks solace in the old Witch House, on the run from an angry mob after a job gone wrong. Panting through the porch door, solace is not something he’ll find on this night.

Carolyn, immediately upon entering the tower hallway is attacked by a mass of smoke that pours from the corner. It takes two rounds from her Walther to realize that it’s another monster, and screaming, she barely slips past into the next room. She searches for anything she can to fight off the beast, and tries to ease the loss of her mind but she finds Nothing of Interest. Peeking back outside she sees the thing still stalking, and she thinks of Nola. In a rage she charges, firing round after round, landing less than half of her shots. It proves enough, but upon death, the hound lets loose a shriek that sends fire through her senses and slowly blackens her vision. Through the coming darkness she can see the mangled body of the creature, but even staring up at the flickering light proves worthless. Carolyn has lost her sight.

Mustering what willpower she has left, Gloria begins to collect Dexter’s things. She unsheathes the Swordcane and gives it a whip to the left and right. Barely given enough time to mourn the loss of someone she can’t quite remember, a tar-like substance begins to ooze through the crevices around the door. Fleeing yet another Shoggoth, she is unaware that only more horror lies ahead.

Entering the portal room, she meets with Michael McGlen, having just been sucked through the attic portal. Carolyn comes stumbling back through from the Hallway and before any of them can utter a word, they all turn toward the sound of barking, shouting and shotgun fire. Throwing caution to the wind, they rush to the aid of Ashcan, only to find yet another of the formless, tar-like monsters guarding the door to where they’re sure Nola is being kept.

As the clock inches closer to midnight on this Walpurgis Eve, the sound of chanting engulfs them all. The dull roar of monsters and gunfire is nothing compared to the demonic sounds all around them. More…things flood from the door: a zombie and a hooded figure join the Shoggoth in the hallway. Ashcan and Michael look at each other and with a glance, they both know what must be done. They charge wildly past the growing horde, and manage to slip through the door to the Ceremony Room taking minimal damage from the creatures. Shoulder to shoulder, robed figures surround Nola, chanting as she begins to writhe and silently scream. All at once the figures turn toward Ashcan and Michael but through the crowd they catch a glimpse of Keziah Mason, the original owner of The Witch House. Keziah glides through the crowd, floating above ground, her eyes fixed on our brave, near-insane heroes. She begins to cackle.

The sound of their guns is lost among the chanting crowd. The door they came through bursts open as the Witch wills every monster to her. By some ungodly power, even more things squeezed into that tiny cave room, every one with hate for our investigators. Still fixed on the most important target, only a few bullets graze Keziah’s body and she barely flinches. Her once calm, collected face is now twisted with anger. As the sea of people begin to engulf them both, death only seconds away, Ashcan raises his shotgun for the last time.

Eyes tightly shut, he fires. The shot rings true and by luck alone, it lands squarely in the Witch’s chest. As her heart explodes, all sounds abruptly leave the room. The Witch’s corpse crumbles to the ground and the creatures and hooded figures seem to slide backwards into nothingness, leaving only the heartless body of Keziah behind. Gloria rushes in to Nola’s aid as she awakens from her terrible sleep, confused but otherwise unhurt. By the skin of their teeth, they’ve done it. Though the memory of Dexter Drake is lost forever, they’ve survived the Season of the Witch.

Season of the Witch is an expansion for Mansions of Madness, a cooperative board game for 2-5 players. You can find it on the Fantasy Flight Games website as well as on Amazon.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Bethesda Secures Rights to make Fallout MMO
  What I would have thought was bad news then, but I realize is probably great news now: Bethesda now owns all of the rights for the Fallout franchise, including those to publish a Fallout MMO. Read More →
• Hey, Sweet Risk Table
  Risk, a game of complete and total global domination has made and broken countless friendships since 1957 when it was first released in France. These guys made a pretty boss Risk table but we’ll see how long their friendship lasts after they get a few games in on this bad boy. Read More →
• Comics on Tees Volume 4
  According to the Threadless blog, you can expect to see Comics on Tees Volume 4 out January 30th. Read More →
• New Labyrinth Graphic Novel from Archaia on Free Comic Book Day
  Super suave comics creator Ted Naifeh posted about one of his many upcoming projects, a brand new story from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. Naifeh will be writing the story alongside Adrianne Ambrose and it will be illustrated by Cory Godbey. Read More →
• Paul Christoforo v The Internet
  I will personally burn everything I’ve made to the fucking ground if I think I can catch them in the flames. Read More →
• Louis CK: Live at the Beacon Theater Experiment
  Despite “common sense” urging him to do otherwise, Louis CK recorded a special at the Beacon Theater with new all kinds of new material and is currently selling it for just 5 dollars. Read More →
• Penny Arcade The Game: Rumble in R'lyeh Announced
  After the rampant success of Penny Arcade The Game: Gamers vs. Evil, Cryptozoic Entertainment is releasing a standalone expansion Penny Arcade The Game: Rumble in R’lyeh. The best part is, it’s an entirely standalone, so you don’t need the original to play! The game will release some time in 2012 so be sure to keep an eye on Cryptozoic’s website for future updates . Read More →
• Knights of Good Autographed Guild Trading Cards
  The upcoming Guild Trading Cards from Cryptozoic Entertainment will include premium Wardrobe and Autograph cards. The special Wardrobe cards will come with a piece of the actual clothing worn by the characters and the Autograph cards will have actual autographs by the cast of the show! Read More →

As a promotion for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Bad Robot has released the Action Movie FX app. It allows you to film a boring scene with your iPhone and add the decidedly un-boring effect of your choice. The free app includes two scenes, Missile Attack! and Car Smash with two other FX Packs available for 99 cents each. Shelling out the two extra bucks allows for effects like Chopper Down, Tornado, Air Strike and Fire Fight. All of the effects you can add look quite realistic and professional, especially for a video made on your iPhone.

Courtesy of comic book writer and creator Jock, you can check out just what the app can do…to Star Wars toys.

You can download the app by visiting ActionMovieFX.com or by searching Action Movie FX in the iPhone App Store.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• hitRECord - an Open-Collaborative Production Company by Joseph Gordon-Levitt
  hitRECord is an “open-collaborative production company” that allows creators and artists from around the world to collaborate. One person might make a video that another person puts to music that another person remixes and superimposes dinosaurs into. The way RegularJOE (Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s name on the website) puts it, “Remix isn’t theft, it’s…how we create.”–A very basic but incredibly accurate description of hitRECord as a whole. Read More →
• The Disposable Camera App for iPhone and Android
  Dotti is the latest release from Sincerely and it transforms your supersmart futurephone into a simple, disposable camera Read More →
• The Eyes Have It
  Yoni Alter, self-professed thinker and maker, has created a fun little piece called The Eyes Have It. It shows off how distinctive so many cartoon character’s eyes are and it’s fun to try and guess them all. There’s a static picture of it below, but it really needs to be interacted with to be fully experienced. Read More →
• Katie Can Draw Harry Potter
  Someone commissioned the piece below from Katie Cook, who can apparently make anything overflow with cute. Read More →
• The Summharry by Lucy Knisley
  “The Summharry” is a series of parody comics by Lucy Knisley. There’s one for each Harry Potter novel and you can see them all at her website. Of course, if you don’t know how it all goes down, the pictures would be considered spoilers, albeit funny-looking ones. Read More →
• Release Me iPhone App for Photographers
  Talented photographer Joey L. (and friends!) have put together an incredibly streamlined and useful Model Release App for the iPhone, allowing you to “CYA” (“Cover Your Ass”). Read More →
• Tron: Legacy Review
  Both factions are heading for a portal to the outside world and, wouldn’t you know it, they arrive at exactly the same time. Read More →
• High Dynamic Range Video
  Using two Canon 5D Mark IIs, a small special effects company based out of San Francisco applied the HDR concept to moving pictures. Read More →

The thing that really gets me about Skyrim is the persistent world Bethesda has built. The fact thaft the world around you has no concern for what you’re doing or what you’ve achieved intrigues me. Despite what quest line you’re on or what awesome armor you just picked up, a dragon can show up to remind you that Tamriel simply does not revolve around you. Yes, you might be Dragonborn and yes you might be “leveling up” but the rest of Skyrim isn’t stagnant, only existing for you to sell things to or get quests from.

Those bandits that attacked you? They don’t care that you’re on your way to complete some noble quest. They were promised pay to find and assassinate a person of your description and, Dragonborn or not, they’re collecting their bounty. That Blood Dragon is going to land inside Solitude whether or not you’re at the burning of an underhanded king’s effigy. He’s here now and he’s going to rampage the city until one of you is dead.

At any given moment throughout Skyrim, all manner of things are happening. While I was out adventuring, I did just so happen to discover that Clavicus was stuck in a statue and that his talking dog companion was trying to get back into his master’s good graces. But deep inside, I know that this would have happened whether or not I followed Barbas to that cave. These things are all happening while I’m finding treasure and picking flowers. Only the gods know how many things are happening outside of the scope of my adventure. Skyrim conveys to me that not being present at each and every event doesn’t mean the world will be waiting when I get there. Skyrim persists, with or without me.

For me, the main something that differentiates a game like, say, World of Warcraft from a game like Skyrim is the ever-changing world. World of Warcraft has its fair share of fun to be sure but everything that you do in Azeroth is prompted by an action initiated by you. If you were to roll a character and stand in the starting area, no one would care. Empires would not crumble, gods would not wreak havok, you simply would not gain experience. You wouldn’t find any loot or be any more awesome than a level 1 orc warrior wearing rags. Stand in the wild long enough in Skyrim and you’re asking for trouble. You might be jumped by Bandits, killed by a wandering Spriggan, ousted by a Flame Atronach or devoured by the Sabre Cat that’s been stalking you for miles (that last bit is really speculation but where the hell did he come from anyway?).

Each and every time a person runs up to me to tell me about some far away something to explore or a dragon lands on me and screams ice over and through me I fall more in love with Skyrim. Yes, the setting is inspired and beautiful, the story is well-written and the characters are fun to talk to. Yes, through and through Skyrim is a solid, well-built game. But most of all, the thing that gets me about Skyrim is that Skyrim will keep spinning whether or not I’m there to do a damn thing about it.

Picture Source – Like a Bird in the Skyrim

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• The Elder Scrolls Adventures with the Dovahkids
  There are not even words to describe the spot-on-edness of this video. Especially not if I’m spending all of this time playing Skyrim. Read More →
• The Humble Frozen Synapse Bundle
  There are just 6 days left to snatch up the Humble Frozen Synapse Bundle, Humble Bundle's latest offering of independent games for a good cause. Not only will you not find a better deal on the internet, by paying just the average (currently $4.64, as of this writing) you can get all 8 games in the bundle. Read More →
• Video Game Lego Creations
  I came across them while browsing some cool LEGO sets, but Stormbringer’s Skyrim and Starcraft MOCs really stood out. Read More →
• Season of the Witch - A Mansions of Madness Recap
  Carolyn and Ashcan go in first and what they find causes them to reconsider everything they thought they knew about reality. Read More →
• Bethesda Secures Rights to make Fallout MMO
  What I would have thought was bad news then, but I realize is probably great news now: Bethesda now owns all of the rights for the Fallout franchise, including those to publish a Fallout MMO. Read More →
• Mass Effect 3 Pre-Order Bonuses
  Bioware has just released details of the Mass Effect 3 Pre-Order Bonuses. Check them out below! Read More →
• Rockstar Stickers
  See, Rockstar loves me, you just can’t see it! Sure Rockstar steals months of my life at a time with gangsters and cowboys and detectives, but it’s all worth it in the end. It’s all worth it for the stickers. Read More →
• Penny Arcade The Game: Rumble in R'lyeh Announced
  After the rampant success of Penny Arcade The Game: Gamers vs. Evil, Cryptozoic Entertainment is releasing a standalone expansion Penny Arcade The Game: Rumble in R’lyeh. The best part is, it’s an entirely standalone, so you don’t need the original to play! The game will release some time in 2012 so be sure to keep an eye on Cryptozoic’s website for future updates . Read More →

Toppppp.com is a website that elegantly lists the top 100 best, highest-rated products found on Amazon. Instead of finding a list of all of the coolest things in existence (as I first thought I would), I found a list of simple, everyday items that seem to work well and as intended.

All of these products have close to 5 stars on Amazon, and enough reviews (usually over 50) to make their rating significant. The products were manually collected page by page from over 100 Amazon categories.

Some of the products were the best in a specific sub-category that we searched through, like this Stapler, with 4.8 out of 5 stars.

Others were so highly-rated that they were included even if their subcategory might not have otherwise been represented. For example this Waterproof iPod Shuffle is pretty much its own category, and 48 of its 53 reviews are 5 stars. In a few cases we used our best judgment, for example picking a 4.7 star product that was 150 cheaper than one with 4.8 stars.

Some entire product categories didn’t make the cut if there wasn’t an awesome-enough product at the top. This digital camera is pretty good, but only had 4.4 stars out of 5 — not good enough for toppppp.com!

Oh, and after all that, we read through hundreds and hundreds of Amazon reviews so we could summarize what reviewers said about each product. Hover over an item to see its review summary.

Things that make the cut include scissors, a handheld blender, a bathroom scale, a wireless router. There isn’t anything inherently special about the items themselves except that a bunch of people need them to perform simple functions and they perform those functions as advertised. If you need a chef’s knife, an HDMI cable or even a bouncy castle (or if you just want a list of useful things you could see yourself owning), check out Toppppp.com.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Season of the Witch - A Mansions of Madness Recap
  Carolyn and Ashcan go in first and what they find causes them to reconsider everything they thought they knew about reality. Read More →
• The Lifebook Computer Concept
  Instead of buying four different devices that you’re going to use everyday, designer Prashant Chandra's Lifebook concept combines them all. Read More →
• Polaroid and the Camera that Runs on Android
  Cameras have been moving toward this innovation for a while now, but through the use of the Android operating system, Polaroid has exponentially increased the usability and functionality of the phone without having to do the work themselves. Read More →
• Panoramic Pictures Made Easy with Tamaggo
  After posting about the Panoramic Camera Ball, quite a few people asked me where they could find one of their own. Now, instead of telling them that sadly, they aren’t for sale, I can point them to the Tamaggo. Read More →
• Waterproof Your Electronic Devices with Liquipel
  Decades ago, people dreamed of flying cars and robot housemaids, but Liquipel is a product that really shows off what “the future” can be. Read More →
• The Disposable Camera App for iPhone and Android
  Dotti is the latest release from Sincerely and it transforms your supersmart futurephone into a simple, disposable camera Read More →
• You Can Take the Nord out of Skyrim
  but, Nord or no Nord, Skyrim will still be Skyrim. Read More →
• Zippable Ear Bud Headphones
  The Marc Ecko Zip Ear Buds are a good example of simple design put to great use. It’s one of those things that makes you say, “Why didn’t I think of that?!” The zipper action allows you to adjust the length of your headphones to prevent snagging and drooping. They also look awesome, so I guess there’s that too. Read More →

There are just 6 days left to snatch up the Humble Frozen Synapse Bundle, Humble Bundle‘s latest offering of independent games for a good cause. Not only will you not find a better deal on the internet, by paying just the average (currently $4.64, as of this writing) you can get all 8 games in the bundle (they literally added SpaceChem as this I was writing this).

For those a little light in the wallet, $5 cannot be beaten for 8 amazing games, each of which normally carries a retail price of anywhere from $10 to $25 alone (all of the games together would run you $45). For any with a bit more wealth to spread around, The Humble Frozen Synapse Bundle uses a “pay what you want” model aimed at raising money for two different charities, the developers of the games and throwing a few dollars Humble Bundle’s way to keep up the good work. The website even lets you tailor exactly how much of your contribution each developer and charity receives, depending on how you feel like splitting it all up.

As well as receiving the games, Humble Bundle also provides the Steam Codes for each game (for added versatility) and the Frozen Synapse soundtrack that comes with the regular retail version of the game. If they add more games after you’ve made your purchase, they’re automatically included in your bundle, with no need to contribute again. On the other hand, you can also increase your contribution at any time.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Mass Effect 3 Pre-Order Bonuses
  Bioware has just released details of the Mass Effect 3 Pre-Order Bonuses. Check them out below! Read More →
• You Can Take the Nord out of Skyrim
  but, Nord or no Nord, Skyrim will still be Skyrim. Read More →
• The Harrison Ford Uncharted 3 Commercial
  It isn’t anything he hasn’t seen before, what with four of his own pulp-action adventures under his belt. This here? This is nothing. Read More →
• The Grand Theft Auto III 10th Anniversary
  Today marks the 10th Anniversary of what I consider one of the largest milestones in open world gaming, Grand Theft Auto III. Sure, Claude didn’t have a single line in the game and none of the character’s fingers could move independently but c’mon! I’d sacrifice a little hand movement for a the chance to blow up a mobster with a car bomb any day. Read More →
• Wii Fit Plus Hands-On
  Atomik takes a look at the Wii Fit Plus and how much it can truly help you get fit. Read More →
• The Only Batteries You'll Ever Need
  Disposable batteries can be used out of the package but once they’re empty, they get thrown out. Standard rechargeable batteries require a charge before you use them and in just a few cycles, they begin to lose their capacity. Sanyo’s Eneloop batteries are the next step up in battery technology. Read More →
• Season of the Witch - A Mansions of Madness Recap
  Carolyn and Ashcan go in first and what they find causes them to reconsider everything they thought they knew about reality. Read More →
• The Lifebook Computer Concept
  Instead of buying four different devices that you’re going to use everyday, designer Prashant Chandra's Lifebook concept combines them all. Read More →

Directed By: Jonathon Liebesman

Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan

Running Time: 116 minutes, roughly 348 clichés.

For a movie that’s little more than a glossy mash-up of every large scale alien invasion movie in the video store’s (look ‘em up) sci-fi section, Battle: Los Angeles is a rather difficult film to critique because if I say anything too positive, Roger Ebert will storm in and call me an idiot. But if I spew vitriol too vehemently it might cause folks to pass it up entirely which is a shame, because while it’s most certainly not a GOOD movie, it is a fun one if approached with the right frame of mind. Said frame of mind being one where you do something every time a character spouts off a cliché or you spot a scene or situation lifted directly from another film. Just make sure your chosen something isn’t “take a shot” or “punch your friend in the arm” because to do so would invite a fatal case of alcohol poisoning or permanent numbness in the bicep / shoulder area. Something like “pop a Milk-Dud” would probably be best, but make sure you’ve purchased the biggest size available at the concession stand because, hoo boy, you are going to need every last one of ‘em.

The Plot

If you’re in a big hurry, just go read the back of the Indepedence Day box and you’ll have a perfectly acceptable idea of what goes down in Battle: Los Angeles. For those of you who have the time to sit and savor, think about ID4, then strip away all the levity and anything that doesn’t have to do with the military and boom, you’ve reached your destination. Moving on…what? What do you mean that’s not enough? All right, fine, we’ll take the long way around. Aaron Eckhart plays Staff Sergeant Lanternjaw Tenderheart, a career marine who’s on the verge of retiring when a whole slew of meteors start falling off the coasts of several cities around the globe. Faster you can say “seen this before”, Tenderheart is leading Character Actor Platoon 661 into battle against a legion of extraterrestrial hostiles that look like a cross between Foot Clan Soldiers and the rolling battle ball droids from Star Wars. They’re supposed to be rescuing civilians from a police station that’s been overwhelmed but that goes to pot almost immediately and our erstwhile group has to fight their way to the safety of a FOB (Forward Operating Base, I think) before their buddies in the Air Force carpet bomb LA back to the dark ages. Along the way they’ll be joined by Michelle Rodriguez, (playing Technical Sergeant Elena Santos) and token competent civilian Bridget Moynahan. Together they’ll end up trying to take down some sort of alien command post that looks very much like a mid-level boss from Star Fox (ed note: DO A BARREL ROLL! (sorry)). If you ever wonder how this one’s going to end, please hand in your movie watching card to the nearest authority and begin your penance immediately.

The Good

Ignoring the fact that the last reel basically turns into the biggest budget recruitment ad the world has ever seen, it was refreshing to see the military presented as competent, if not entirely prepared to deal with an otherworldly invasion. (Can’t hold that against them, I’m not particularly prepared for one either). Too often in genre flicks we see the military or other traditional forms of law enforcement reduced to comic figures or mere cannon fodder for the threat du jour, so to have these characters tackle the aliens without a whole lot of “How is this happening?” or “This can’t be real!” bullshit made the eye-roll worthy dialogue a bit easier to bear. Eckhart and Rodriguez, bless their hearts, do everything in their power to get you invested in their characters, which includes keeping a perfectly straight face every second they’re on screen. This may sound like a dig, but I assure you it is not. If they’d let on, even for a second, that they knew how cheesy the material was, the whole thing would’ve descended into Scary Movie territory and then all hope would’ve been lost. As it is, you’re still watching a really bad movie, but dammit, they’re trying to make you believe otherwise, rather than winking at the camera, which is really the equivalent of saying to the audience, “Yeah, we made a bad movie, but you’re paying to watch it, so who’s the moron?”

The Not So Good

By this point I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that the dialogue in this flick could cause crippling eye-strain (all that rolling can’t be good for them) so let’s shift focus to another area that could bring ocular suffering. According the story, the aliens are here to scarf up Earth’s water and apparently their first strategic target was the planet’s supply of tripods. Now I’m not saying they actually strapped the camera to a paint shaker and set it on “blend well”, but when the Cloverfield monster has to eat a truck full of Dramamine before watching the movie, there might be a little too much shaky-cam going on. Seriously, I can’t recall a single steady shot in this movie and for the life of me I can’t understand why. Director Jonathon Liebesman is obviously high on the Marines and their tactics and the special effects are more than adequate, why not set the camera in one place and let us take in everything that’s going on? I suppose some will argue that all the jostling and twitching makes for a more realistic experience, but c’mon folks, we’re talking a prolonged firefight between humans and aliens, gritty realism isn’t necessary or even expected. Oh, and ever noticed how all the monstrosities from beyond the stars operate with a hive mind, so if you destroy one thing or another, the whole race goes ka-blooey? Yeah, that’s what we’re dealing with again. I tell ya, if Earth ever gets attacked by a superior non-collective intelligence, we’re all in big trouble.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? If you’ve had a rough week and are in the market for a mindless endorphin rush, you could do a whole lot worse than Battle: Los Angeles. For all its faults I was never bored and really, the opportunities for riffing are too numerous for Mystery Science Theater fans to pass up. If, however, you were hoping for the war movie version of District 9, sit this one out and hope they do better when the inevitable Battle: Saskatchewan is unleashed in theaters a few years down the road.

The Verdict

If “Tally Ho!” is awful and “Oo-Rah!” is perfect, then Battle: Los Angeles is “Boo-Ya!” Perfectly acceptable under the right circumstances, just don’t let your respectable friends catch you shouting it too loudly.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Sucker Punch Review
  It’s Alice in Wonderland meets Caged Heat. Read More →
• I Spit On Your Grave Review
  I mean, I thought the sequence in the new Last House on the Left was rough, but I Spit On Your Grave leaves it in the rearview. Read More →
• Drive Angry 3D Review
  Is it a GOOD movie? Lord no, not in the slightest. But it is a good bad movie and more important (at least from where I’m standing) it’s a fun movie. Read More →
• Monsters Review
  Thanks to some well timed bribery and a willingness to take risks that I can’t even fathom, Samantha and Andrew end up on the scenic route back to the good ol’ U.S. of A., one that takes them through the heart of the Infected Zone. Along the way they’ll discover things about themselves, their companion and life itself, including such useful lessons as how to avoid being eaten by a tentacled horror from beyond the stars. Read More →
• Thomas Bess Recommends House (1977)
  Thomas Bess recommends a film made in 1977 that, despite doing so with countless movies before, he has trouble describing it. Read More →
• SAW 3D Review
  Though the marketing campaign is doing its damndest to make sure you don’t realize it, SAW 3D is actually the seventh installment in the franchise that made “torture porn” the most polarizing horror sub-genre in recent memory. Stop and think about that for a second: there are SEVEN freakin' SAW movies out there. Read More →
• My Soul To Take Review
  My Soul to Take is a pretty entertaining (albeit rather different) yarn, but there’s just enough problems salted throughout to keep it from being as effective as it could have been. Read More →
• Frozen Review
  At the very least it’ll make you wary of ski-lift operators and other everyday folks who have some sort of casual control over your wellbeing. That might sound like a paranoid way to live but hey, when was the last time you heard about a paranoiac stumbling into a situation where they could freeze to death or be devoured by wolves all in the same evening? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Read More →

Directed By: Michael J. Bassett

Starring: James Purefoy, Pete Postlethwaite, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Max Von Sydow, Alice Krige, Jason Flemyng

Running Time: 104 minutes, a whole lotta stabbings and the best hat ever.

Okay, as happy as I am to have folks reading what passes for my thoughts, if your first reaction to this title was “Who the hell is Solomon Kane?” you have my permission to minimize this window and get to a bookstore with all possible haste. Because Kane is one of the coolest characters in fiction and any fan worth his salt should have at least a passing knowledge of this particular canon. The creation of one Robert E. Howard, (the same fellow who also gave the world Conan the Barbarian and pretty much created the whole “sword and sandal” sub-genre). Solomon Kane dresses like a pilgrim, arms himself like a Tarantino villain and spends his time wandering the wilds of 16th / 17th century Europe and Africa on an endless quest to destroy evil, whether it be of the human or supernatural variety. Despite cool monsters, atmospheric locales, an intriguing / enigmatic hero and copious amounts of violence, Kane’s exploits had never been translated to celluloid until director Michael J. Bassett took a shot with his 2009 film, conveniently titled, Solomon Kane. And while I’d say it falls just short of being great, it is indeed very good and serves as an excellent jumping off point for future films and folks looking to get into the source material.

The Plot

The plot (bear with me, we’re in origin story territory here) is as follows: Solomon Kane (Purefoy) is a raider leading an attack on a city somewhere in North Africa. He and his followers make it into a palace and are about to strike it rich when the whole crew, save Kane, are killed by demons lurking in creepy mirrors. Still eager for plunder, he heads into another room only to be confronted by a freaky huge Grim Reaper type with a flaming sword who claims Kane’s soul belongs to the devil. Kane is understandably concerned and after a skirmish he plunges out a window to make his escape. Flash forward a year, our hero is back in England and living in a monastery in hopes of keeping his soul out of Hell. Admirable, but it makes for a boring film so the abbot kicks him out and SK starts wandering the countryside. Before too long he runs into a nice family (Postlethwaite, Krige, Hurd-Wood) and hangs with them, acting as bodyguard of sorts in exchange for food, shelter and such. All is well until their merry band encounters a group of thugs representing the sorcerer Malachi (Flemyng). Led by a fearsome “Masked Rider”, (think Leatherface done up as the black knight, it’s more effective than I’m making it sound) these scoundrels kill most of the family and take their eldest daughter captive for some assuredly terrible purpose. Well, Kane’s not about to let that happen, so he sets off after them in a chase that’ll see him deal with witches, zombies and other assorted nastiness on his way to a final showdown with the nefarious necromancer.

The Good

What’s good? James Purefoy (who I admit to only recognizing from his turn on the short-lived TV series The Philanthropist) does excellent work as the titular hero. Perhaps a bit younger and buffer than the Kane of my imagination, but Purefoy walks, talks and fights like someone who is not to be trifled with, which is exactly how the character should be played. The rest of the cast is fine, if unspectacular. Would’ve been nice to see more screen time for the likes of Postlethwaite, Von Sydow and Flemyng, but then that might’ve meant less carnage, definitely a bad thing. Speaking of carnage, the action sequences are frequent and bloody – not the ultraviolent super-stylized craziness of something like 300, but far more graphic than what you’d get from Van Helsing or any of The Mummy movies. The monsters are done up using mostly practical effects with CGI only called upon when the laws of physics needed violating, and that’s just fine by me. ‘Tis much easier to forget the fantastical / impossible elements of a battle when it looks like the hero is tangling with something that has actual presence, as opposed to a threat that started life as a tennis ball glued to a stick. Finally, if you’re a fan of bleak forests, frozen moors and the like, the photography in this flick will have you saying, “Wow” more than a few times, it’s just that good. Oh, I take it back, here’s the finally: Kudos to the costume designer for getting Kane’s hat right. Sounds like a small detail I know, but had it been off it would’ve spoiled the whole movie. Thankfully it looks perfect and when he put it on for the first time it was a genuine, “Goddamned right!” sort of moment.

The Not So Good

What’s not good? When your antagonist is as intimidating / formidable as Solomon Kane, you need an equally threatening (if not moreso) character to oppose him and that’s my biggest problem with this movie. Not that Jason Flemyng does a bad job as Malachi; there just isn’t nearly enough of him. In a hundred minutes of running time you don’t hear his name mentioned til at least the forty minute mark and it may be closer to an hour in. On top of that he doesn’t actually make an appearance until well into the final act. Leading up to that point are a perfectly serviceable horde of possessed soldiers, flesh-eating ghouls, satanic familiars and the like, but they all feel like underlings only good for holding Kane back while Malachi plots. Even the Masked Rider, impressive as he is, doesn’t stand up to our hero for very long. So you’re left hoping for some knockdown drag-out fight to close out the story and…there isn’t one. There is a really cool looking monster, one that at least looks like it should give Kane trouble, but no, it’s dismissed in prompt fashion and credits roll. In the end you’re glad that Solomon’s saved the day and everyone gets to live happily ever after but part of you can’t help but think it would’ve been more satisfying if he’d vanquished a worthier foe.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? Lemme put it this way, my buddy described it as “Van Helsing for adults” and that’s an apt description. If you’re looking for a good mix of action, violence and supernatural mayhem I can safely say this flick delivers on all counts. If however you’re searching for heroics that’ll leave you with something to mull after the lights come up, you’d be better served to pick up a book of Robert E. Howard’s stories and pass the night reading by a roaring fire.

The Verdict

If no corpses in a miser’s cage is terrible and five corpses in a miser’s cage is perfect, then Solomon Kane is a more than respectable three and a half corpses. Here’s hoping a potential sequel finds a way to jam in that extra one and half cadavers.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Shock Waves Review
  The pale complexion, subtle signs of water damage, dark goggles and of course the SS Shock Trooper style uniforms make for a unique look in the hallowed halls of cinematic shamblers. It’s just too damned bad they’re not causing problems in a more interesting story. Read More →
• True Grit Review
  A simple story for sure, but also a perfect example of how a stripped down plot does just fine when you’ve got excellent folks working on both sides of the camera. Read More →
• Centurion Review
  Basically, think of those vignettes at the end of Deadliest Warrior, then stretch them out to a hundred minutes and you’ve got the story nailed down. Read More →
• Altitude Review
  Don’t bother trying to figure it out beforehand. I’m not saying that you won’t or can’t, I’m just saying the answer is so left field you might accidentally stumble across the solution, then immediately discard it with a contemptuous “…nah”. Read More →
• Predators Review
  With Predators, Those of you hoping for some brilliant twist on the source material will probably emerge disappointed as what we’re given is pretty much the original movie on a larger scale and a different planet, but for those of you looking for a return to the series’ roots, I think you’ll be quite pleased with the latest rumble in the jungle. Read More →
• The Losers Review
  The Losers hits all the right notes should you go into the theater in the proper frame of mind (i.e. ready to sit back and watch things go boom). Read More →
• Paranormal Activity
  As of this writing, it is about two hours since I stumbled out of a special midnight screening of Paranormal Activity. Every light in my one bedroom, one bathroom castle is blazing and I’m seriously considering not sleeping. Why you may ask? Quite simple. This no budget, no name slice of cinéma vérité has managed to do what no other film in recent memory has been able to even make me consider. It’s got me wary of turning off the lights. Read More →
• Grace
  Birth is infinitely more scary than death. Read More →

Directed By: Zack Snyder

Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens, Jena Malone, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino, Oscar Isaac, Scott Glenn

Running Time: 109 minutes spent wondering who typed “idkfa” during the opening credits.

When I saw the trailer for Sucker Punch several months back, I took note of the following elements: Hot chicks. Steampunk-ish zombie soldiers. Giant mechanical samurai. Bi-planes. A dragon. An intimidating mech with a bunny face painted on the front. Violence. So much violence. Not just any old violence. I saw metric tons of sublime carnage being doled out on dreamscape-inspired killing fields and friends I have to say, all was right in my world. With all those elements brought together under the guidance of Zack Snyder, a dude who’s made some of my favorite flicks from the last decade, how could this hope to be anything less than a brain-melting celluloid joygasm? This should have been the kind of cinematic experience that would leave me (and everyone in the theater with a scrap of functioning imagination in their brains) sporting Joker-esque grins of delight that wouldn’t fade away for at least thirty-six hours. So why then, less than twenty-four hours later do I feel so damned disappointed? In all honesty, I’m not quite sure why, but hopefully it’ll be sorted out in the next few paragraphs.

The Plot

First things first, there’s a plot to discuss. The oddly named Baby Doll (Browning) has been framed for a murder she didn’t commit and is promptly thrown into the ominous Lennox House asylum. But it’s not just an asylum, oh no. See, the dude who runs the place, a smarmy douchenozzle by the name of Blue Jones (Isaac) is running an illicit club / brothel somewhere on the premises where the comeliest of patients dance and perform other vaguely hinted at favors for sleazeballs for which mental illness is apparently a turn on. And if the day couldn’t get any worse, Baby’s equally sleazy stepfather (the chump who got her locked up in the first place) has paid Blue to have his little blonde problem lobotomized in five days time. Well of course nobody puts a pick in the corner of Baby’s eye, so she enlists the help of four other oddly named lasses (Chung, Cornish, Hudgens and Malone) to help her pull a Great Escape and ditch the madhouse. Turns out Baby Doll has a weird super power. When she busts a groove to the music, she enters a realm in her mind where she and all her friends are dressed like Vince McMahon’s take on Sailor Moon. In this realm they’ll battle robots, dragons, zombies and pretty much everything else you can imagine, while on the outside world every male within sight of her dancing is left in a coma-like state, making it that much easier for her friends to secure the items needed for their escape. It starts off working pretty well, but right about the time it starts to go awry is when the movie itself jumps the rails and alas, it never finds its way back.

The Good

What’s good? From a strictly eye-candy perspective, Sucker Punch is one of the prettiest looking movies you’re ever going to see. While the real world is mostly washed out and rather dingy, the dreamscapes of our heroine’s imagination are nothing shy of fantastic. There’s the snowy pagoda that’s home to towering robo-samurai, a shell-torn no man’s land teeming with clockwork German zombies, a Tolkien-esque castle complete with orcs and dragons and finally a dystopian futuristic bullet train laden with murderous robots. All of ‘em are quite wondrous to behold and would’ve made fine settings for movies of their own. Speaking of wondrous to behold, the quintet of hotties dishing out all the punishment are quite capable in that regard, with Browning and Cornish standing out the most. Also worthy of mention is Scott Glenn as “Wise Man”, who’s, well, a wise man inside Baby Doll’s head who provides advice that sound surprisingly like the tips you’d get at the beginning of a new level in a video game. Sure, the lines come off like a fortune cookie written by Nintendo Power, but he imbues them with a sense of fun that’s absent from the rest of the cast. Finally, special nod to the soundtrack, which kept my toe tapping even when my brain was trying to wrap itself around what was happening on screen.

The Not So Good

What’s not good? Kindly put, there’s a lotta things in Sucker Punch that just don’t make a helluva lot of sense. Like, how Baby Doll is just thrown into an asylum and scheduled to be lobotomized without so much as a single cop coming to get her side of the story. Or how this Blue fella can run a complex dance hall / brothel / madhouse without someone on the outside getting involved. And then there’s…look, suffice to say, there’s some plot holes you can drive a truck through. But ya know what? For the first two thirds, I didn’t care one bit. Everybody gets a handful of movies they like just because the look good. For millions of you, that’s Avatar. For me, it’s Sucker Punch. But then the third act rolls around and the titular “Sucker Punch” is unleashed to…very little effect. Not that it isn’t startling, but you’re not exactly invested in many of the characters and even more disconcerting, it comes off less as a twist and more like “Hey, look what I can do just because!” Without delving into spoiler territory, it’s an abrupt (and to my way of thinking) unnecessarily dark tonal shift in what had previously been a lighthearted bit of escapist froth. Perhaps not quite as grim as the shift near the end of Shaun of the Dead, but still enough to change my sigh from that of someone enjoying a mindless endorphin rush to that of someone wondering what they’d done to deserve this cruel reversal of fortune.

Should You See It?

But should you see it? If you’re satisfied by the notion of a hot-girl super-team mowing through hordes of genre staple foot soldiers then by all means, prepare to have your eyes blown. However, if you’d been hoping for solid narrative tissue to hold all the set-pieces together, you’d probably be better served popping in the extended cut of Watchmen.

The Verdict

If a foot-stomp is awful and a Super Kick to the chin is perfect, then Sucker Punch is a fireball to the face. Violent and pretty, but leaves no trace in it’s wake. (Ok, maybe not exactly like a fireball as I doubt you’ll be clawing at your eyes, but you might rubbing your temples)

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Drive Angry 3D Review
  Is it a GOOD movie? Lord no, not in the slightest. But it is a good bad movie and more important (at least from where I’m standing) it’s a fun movie. Read More →
• Alice in Wonderland Review
  While there’s certainly plenty of humor and whimsy to go around, Alice in Wonderland is ultimately a very safe film which could prove disappointing if you came in search of something to blow your mind. Read More →
• Battle: Los Angeles Review
  It’s all the science fiction clichés you can imagine, compressed into a super diamond of unintentional hilarity. Read More →
• I Spit On Your Grave Review
  I mean, I thought the sequence in the new Last House on the Left was rough, but I Spit On Your Grave leaves it in the rearview. Read More →
• Monsters Review
  Thanks to some well timed bribery and a willingness to take risks that I can’t even fathom, Samantha and Andrew end up on the scenic route back to the good ol’ U.S. of A., one that takes them through the heart of the Infected Zone. Along the way they’ll discover things about themselves, their companion and life itself, including such useful lessons as how to avoid being eaten by a tentacled horror from beyond the stars. Read More →
• Thomas Bess Recommends House (1977)
  Thomas Bess recommends a film made in 1977 that, despite doing so with countless movies before, he has trouble describing it. Read More →
• SAW 3D Review
  Though the marketing campaign is doing its damndest to make sure you don’t realize it, SAW 3D is actually the seventh installment in the franchise that made “torture porn” the most polarizing horror sub-genre in recent memory. Stop and think about that for a second: there are SEVEN freakin' SAW movies out there. Read More →
• My Soul To Take Review
  My Soul to Take is a pretty entertaining (albeit rather different) yarn, but there’s just enough problems salted throughout to keep it from being as effective as it could have been. Read More →

Directed By: Steven R. Monroe

Starring: Sarah Butler, Jeff Branson, Andrew Howard, Daniel Franzese, Rodney Eastman, Chad Lindberg

Running Time: 107 minutes, 20 or so of which involve nothing but rape.

I Spit On Your Grave. Is there a better title for a horror movie? Or perhaps I should ask, is there any better formula for creating evocative titles? Think about it. Take the “I (verb) on your (noun)” formula and see what sort of fun you can have. Some of my personal favorites include “I pee on your carport”, (and yes, that’s carport, not carpet, though that’s not without merit) “I hurl on your hammock” and “I feast on your terrier”. Honorable mentions go to “I shoot your face” and “I shoot your face again”, even though they don’t strictly adhere to what I will now refer to as the “On Your” formula of title creation. Back to the flick at hand. What we’ve got here is a remake of the 70’s exploitation classic and while I’d wager it won’t pack the same sort of startling punch for folks who’ve seen the original, it’s still a well crafted shocker that’s home to one of the most intense / prolonged scenes of rape and degradation I’ve ever seen. I mean, I thought the sequence in the new Last House on the Left was rough, but ISOYG leaves it in the rearview. And while it’s hard to say you actually enjoyed a film with such disturbing content, there’s enough good therein to give it an endorsement to those who think they’re up for the challenge.

The Plot

For those of you unfamiliar with the plot, here’s a synopsis presented in a catchy, non-haiku format. Jennifer Hills (Butler) is a writer from the city who’s rented a nice cabin out in the country so she’ll have a quiet place to relax while finishing her latest project. En route to said cabin, she stops at a nearby gas station and runs afoul of some local goons, (Franzese, Eastman) lead by Johnny (Branson). Brushing them off with far more grace and civility than they deserve, she heads out to the cabin and settles in for some R&R. Meanwhile, the yahoos from the gas station, simmering over “the city chick” on their turf, start plotting and before you can say home invasion they’ve busted into Jennifer’s digs. Cue some very unpleasant behavior and ethically questionable involvement from local law enforcement. After barely escaping her suddenly lackadaisical captors, our traumatized heroine flees into the woods and proceeds to vanish for most of the second act so the jerks can stew about what they’ve done. Eventually watching and waiting proves too passive, so she emerges from the forest primeval and proceeds to dispatch her assailants with a series of simple, yet brutally creative deathtraps, one of which will make you walk funny just looking at it.

The Good

What’s good? Sarah Butler’s turn as Jennifer is excellent, which is itself another good thing considering that the whole story would’ve fallen apart if the audience didn’t empathize with her plight. But that’s never an issue here as Butler runs her heroine through a whole range of mental states, starting with meek, then moving to terrified but defiant before finishing up as chillingly vengeful. The antagonists are a pretty solid group too, with special mention going out to Andrew Howard as the reprehensible sheriff and Chad Lindberg as the poor slow fella who gets pulled into the maelstrom despite his best efforts. The means by which Jennifer takes her revenge are for the most part pretty neat, bringing to mind the “games” in the first installment of SAW. (You know, the ones that could be set up by one person and not a whole team of Disney Imagineers.) To actually describe them would be too spoiler-tastic for my tastes, but let’s just say that you’ll never look at shears or fishhooks the same way again. As for the gore inflicted by these creations, the camera doesn’t linger quite as long as you might expect, but rest assured there is plenty of grue and splatter to satisfy your craving for the red stuff.

The Not So Good

So what’s not good? My biggest problems lie with the character of Jennifer (not Butler’s performance) but a few things we as an audience are expected to believe. In the beginning for example, she’s obviously someone who is not uncomfortable in the woods, but very much out of her element (the wind in the trees and a banging shed door seem to give her the willies). Thusly it’s hard to swallow that an urbanite, (one dealing with the aftereffects of a brutal sexual assault no less) would be able to survive in the woods for a month, let alone elude the local creeps searching for her. Along similar lines, while I have no problem imagining that she could rig these traps up by herself, how the hell did she stumble upon the knowledge to build them? Methinks a great solution to this problem would’ve been to reveal that Miz. Hills was the creator of some lurid pulp horror series, one that required research into death traps and all sorts of other terrible arcana. Even a glimpse of such a book in her possession (or better yet, her attackers discover it and start to worry) would’ve been more logical than the other idea presented, namely that being gang-raped and left for dead can turn you into Rambo.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? Well it’s not going to be for everyone, that’s for sure. The end of the first act alone will turn a lot of stomachs and the carnage in the finale isn’t exactly a bundle of sweetness and light either. If you’re in the mood for a good revenge flick and can handle the brutality, this is one you shouldn’t pass by, or spit on for that matter. That said, if you’re going to watch it with a group, make absolutely certain you let them know what they’re getting into, otherwise you may find yourself short a few friends before the night is over. Oh and though horror can lead to snuggling if your significant other is rather jumpy, this is probably one best avoided on date night.

The Verdict

Since I couldn’t think of anything even remotely appropriate to use as a scale, I’m going to take the easy way out and give I Spit On Your Grave four murdered sleazebags out of five.

Until next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Thomas Bess Recommends House (1977)
  Thomas Bess recommends a film made in 1977 that, despite doing so with countless movies before, he has trouble describing it. Read More →
• My Soul To Take Review
  My Soul to Take is a pretty entertaining (albeit rather different) yarn, but there’s just enough problems salted throughout to keep it from being as effective as it could have been. Read More →
• Frozen Review
  At the very least it’ll make you wary of ski-lift operators and other everyday folks who have some sort of casual control over your wellbeing. That might sound like a paranoid way to live but hey, when was the last time you heard about a paranoiac stumbling into a situation where they could freeze to death or be devoured by wolves all in the same evening? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Read More →
• Hatchet 2 Review
  If you enjoy the classic slasher formula and gore that makes the most brutal Mortal Kombat fatalities look like a Hallmark card accompanied by a warm slice of your grandma’s apple pie, you need to get your hands on a copy of Hatchet 2 and drag all your likeminded friends along for the ride. Read More →
• Let Me In Review
  Knowing that Let Me In wasn’t so much a horror yarn as it was a study of adolescent turmoil where one of the characters just happens to be a vampire allowed me to enjoy the story much more and raise my appreciation for the original at the same time, a win-win in my book. Read More →
• Devil Review
  Despite the fact that he’s just a producer on this one, Shyamalan will be getting the lion’s share of attention for its success or failure, which is a shame, because if anyone deserves to see their stock rise in the wake of this outing, it’s Dowdle and not the dude who brought us killer pollen and the most poorly-planned alien invasion in the history of cinema. Read More →
• Last Exorcism Review
  Thankfully, Daniel Stamm’s The Last Exorcism is an original, interesting entry whose only real problem comes in the last five minutes. Read More →
• Burning Bright Review
  Kids. Man-eating tiger. Hurricane. Boarded-up house. If that combination makes you smile then by all means track down a copy of soon as possible. Read More →

Directed By: Patrick Lussier

Starring: Nic Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse, Nic Cage’s hair.

Running Time: 104 minutes chock full of tawdry, violent goodness.

Friends, I’m going to be honest with you. (Sort of an odd way to start, I’m honest with you all the time, but for some reason I feel the need to point it out tonight). The month of February was not kind to me or my sideburns. Aside from a few isolated moments of goodness it was filled with sadness and pain. My job is trying to kill me, Lex Luthor hates me, my BluRay Player was taken hostage by Sony, my car seems to have developed an evil sentience and to cap it all off, the fate of Human Target is uncertain at best. BUT, even in the darkest of times, there is hope. From the depth of that cold, bleak darkness came a light. A radiant, shining beacon carried by two gentlemen who came to the rescue two years ago with My Bloody Valentine 3D. Now director Patrick Lussier and writer Todd Farmer have journeyed forth to present us with the gift that is Drive Angry 3D, a film that revels in the violent, the tawdry, the semi-coherent and the unrepentantly cheesy. Is it a GOOD movie? Lord no, not in the slightest. But it is a good bad movie and more important (at least from where I’m standing) it’s a fun movie. And after these last four weeks, the fun was definitely appreciated.

The Plot

For those of you who didn’t pick up on the subtle intricacies of plotting laid out in the previews, the story goes a little something like this. John Milton (if the reference escapes you, put this down and head to an Encyclopedia right now. And not an on-line version either, that’s cheating) has somehow broken his way out of Hell and is on a quest to rescue his orphaned granddaughter from a Satanic Cult with plans to sacrifice her under the next full moon. Aiding him in this quest is Piper (Heard) a rough around the edges waitress who’s only real problem seems to be a poor taste in boyfriends. Together they cut a bloody swath through several states as they track down the leader of the cult, one Jonah King (Burke) a man who bears a disturbing resemblance to Elvis Presley in the right lighting. As if pursing this cult and eluding the local constabulary wasn’t difficult enough, our rubber-burning heroes are pursued by “The Accountant” (Fichtner) a supernatural creature who’s part bookkeeper, part insult comic and part T-1000. See, this fella’s in charge of making sure the damned stay in Hell and he doesn’t much care for escapees, no matter how noble their intentions. So, caught between Satanists, an unstoppable killing machine and a tragically underused Tom Atkins, Milton and Piper will have to save the day while employing the most aggressive automotive piloting techniques you’ve ever seen.

The Good

So what’s good? Though his performance here isn’t going to earn complete forgiveness for say, The Wicker Man, Nic Cage keeps his craziest tendencies in check so that when he delivers one of Milton’s numerous threats, he’s actually ready to carry through on them and not just snicker quietly. Amber Heard gets plenty of rough and tumble moments as well, most memorably a quick, emphatic beatdown delivered to some chick making time with her sleazebag fiancé and a more prolonged wrangle with several cultists in the back of an RV. But as solid as those two are, it’s William Fichtner’s turn as The Accountant that will make the greatest impression. Delivering his lines (and his carnage) in a twitchy deadpan, he’s the sort of character that needs his own spin-off like, yesterday. On the strictly visual side of things, the flick was shot in 3D so there’s none of the crappy post-conversion wonkiness running so rampant these days. As for the gore, when compared to the stuff in My Bloody Valentine 3D, the quantity is greater, but none of the gags are as memorable, save for scenes involving a broken baseball bat and a quarter thrown at insanely high speeds.

The Not So Good

What’s not so good? Skipping over the aforementioned criminal lack of Tom Atkins screen time, my biggest problem with this flick hinged on the evil cult. First off, for a ritual designed to bring around Hell on Earth, it seemed way too simple. I mean, the only thing necessary is a full moon, a baby and a big ceremonial knife? There wasn’t even any chanting or hoods or robes or anything. Which brings me to my second point: Aside from Burke’s character, these were the single most un-intimidating group of evildoers I’ve ever seen put to film. They made me think of the Children of the Corn grown up and turned into extras on Justified. Actually, they might have come off scarier if The Accountant had been even slightly less awesome. When the other threat is a wise-cracking unstoppable Hellspawn, it kinda robs mere humans of the power to scare. And speaking of The Accountant, it struck me as odd that he spent most of the running time chasing down Milton and Piper on foot, but right near the end he’s able to summon up an infernal piece of Detroit rolling iron with the snap of his fingers. If he’d done that in the first act, the movie could’ve turned into a 3D version of the Death Proof finale and that would’ve been all sorts of awesome.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? From the reactions I’ve been hearing on the interwebs, this seems to be a real love it or hate it type of experience. I fall into the former category and recommend it without reservation, assuming that you’ve caught a preview or two and liked what you saw. But if you saw said previews and thought “this looks really, really dumb,” you’re better off staying home because this flick is exactly what it looks like.

The Verdict

If happy walking is awful and enraged aviation is perfect, then Drive Angry 3D is well, angry driving. Not something you should do very often, but strangely satisfying for the duration.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

Other Things You Might Find Interesting

• Sucker Punch Review
  It’s Alice in Wonderland meets Caged Heat. Read More →
• SAW 3D Review
  Though the marketing campaign is doing its damndest to make sure you don’t realize it, SAW 3D is actually the seventh installment in the franchise that made “torture porn” the most polarizing horror sub-genre in recent memory. Stop and think about that for a second: there are SEVEN freakin' SAW movies out there. Read More →
• Piranha 3D Review
  Do you like gore? Do you like boobs? Do you like extra servings of gore and boobs? Read More →
• Alice in Wonderland Review
  While there’s certainly plenty of humor and whimsy to go around, Alice in Wonderland is ultimately a very safe film which could prove disappointing if you came in search of something to blow your mind. Read More →
• Battle: Los Angeles Review
  It’s all the science fiction clichés you can imagine, compressed into a super diamond of unintentional hilarity. Read More →
• I Spit On Your Grave Review
  I mean, I thought the sequence in the new Last House on the Left was rough, but I Spit On Your Grave leaves it in the rearview. Read More →
• Monsters Review
  Thanks to some well timed bribery and a willingness to take risks that I can’t even fathom, Samantha and Andrew end up on the scenic route back to the good ol’ U.S. of A., one that takes them through the heart of the Infected Zone. Along the way they’ll discover things about themselves, their companion and life itself, including such useful lessons as how to avoid being eaten by a tentacled horror from beyond the stars. Read More →
• Thomas Bess Recommends House (1977)
  Thomas Bess recommends a film made in 1977 that, despite doing so with countless movies before, he has trouble describing it. Read More →